I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. I am writing a novel about a murderess vampire, in which death does come with the territory.
When I spend time with my family -I live out of state- I find myself thinking about death at the most inopportune times, in some of the most joyous moments. We’ll be laughing so hard we’re on the verge of tears, and like a sick, sad, hefty dose of reality, the thought of death and loss ensnares me. Last year, we almost lost our father.
Again.
It’s his second heart attack in about 20 years. He’s fine now, thank God, and doing much better, but it’s still a terrifying shock to reality just how close any one of us could be.

I think of my mother, 15 years younger than him and healthy as a horse. I see her living a long time -women in my family tend to live a very long time- but then a terrifying thought slams into my innocent hopefulness like a freight train. Death can find you at any time, in any way it chooses. It summons those who least expect or deserve it.

Death can find you at any time, in any way it chooses. It summons those who least expect or deserve it.

I find some peace in the quote from The Cartersville Ghost by Oscar Wilde:

“Yes, death. Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace. You can help me. You can open for me the portals of death's house, for love is always with you, and love is stronger than death is.” - Oscar Wilde, The Canterville Ghost

Why do we come to this earth for love and loss? Such strong emotions. So much pain and suffering. All for what? The logical part of me understands that we come here for growth, in every aspect. Especially spiritually. Not to mention all of the wonderful things life can bring you as well, it’s not all loss and grief.

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Recently I have learned that I struggle with writing because I truly believe in the power of creation through speech and especially writing. We create our reality through our beliefs, our thoughts, and speech. On the one hand, I believe that it is healthy and good to express, to let out your innermost thoughts, if not to just let them go. On the other hand, however, I don’t want to create the wrong reality. I don’t want to focus on the negative and bring in negative energy.
Although, I do have to admit that I do tend to focus on morbid things, and I can’t help but wonder is this just human nature, or is it me? I would consider myself a generally happy person, I think most who meet me would agree, but sometimes I wonder.